Highs and Lows of the Oscars 2014

  • By Kim
  • 3 March, 2014
  • Comments Off

Ellen Pizza

“There are so many different possibilities. Possibility #1, 12 Years a Slave wins Best Picture. Possibility #2: You’re all racist.” — Ellen Degeneres, Oscars 2014

Wow. That was a really long Oscars, you guys. Have you recovered from it? I’ll bet most of the people in Hollywood haven’t. Somewhere, Cate Blanchett is groggily lifting her eyemask and yelling for her assistant to bring her two Alka Seltzers.

Last year I thought the Oscars was pretty tedious. So was this year’s, but maybe a smidge less. Maybe I had more patience this year because instead of being distracted by mashed potatoes, I just had turkey burgers. Or maybe I was just more invested in the celebs in the audience this year. Either way, I found this year’s telecast to be a little more entertaining and I do like Ellen as a host. She may not be Tina and Amy, but I do enjoy Ellen’s brand of safe, family-friendly humor.

I live-tweeted a little bit of it on my twitter account, but otherwise I present the highs and lows of this year’s Academy Awards!



  • Benedict Cumberbatch’s photobomb of U2 is great. I didn’t think my love for him could grow anymore.
  • Jared Leto wins and thanks his mom and best friend. Let me repeat: Jordan Catalano is now in possession of an Academy Award. The lead singer of 30 Seconds To Mars has won one of the most prestigious awards in the industry. I’m oddly fine with this. Maybe it’s the mom tribute that got to me.


  • Pharrell’s Happy dance is great. Anyone who gets Lupita, Meryl, and Amy Adams to dance along is okay with me. And the hat is back!
  • 20 Feet From Stardom wins and Darlene Love belts out a song on stage. Bill Murray is so impressed that he stands up VERY quickly to applaud. That’s how you incorporate a song in your speech, Diane Keaton.
  • YAY Lupita won! She’s so thrilled and gave a really moving speech. Aww. Love her!
  • Okay, I know that it was mostly an ad for the Samsung Galaxy, but Ellen’s selfie picture was pretty cute. She did manage to fail whale Twitter for a few minutes as millions of people retweeted the picture, so congrats?
  • Bill Murray gives an impromptu Harold Ramis tribute as a presenter.
  • Always glad to hear Bette Midler get up and sing. Not my favorite song, but appropriate for the In Memorium segment.
  •  Idina kills Let It Go like I knew she would! Especially after the John Travolta flub.
  •  In an elaborate running joke, Ellen orders pizza for her pals in the front of the theater. Love how Kerry Washington’s hand shot up when asked if she wanted pizza and Jennifer Lawrence eagerly chows down. But the best part:


  • Alphonso Curan wins Oscar for Gravity and shouts out Guilleromo del Toro. Hermanos 4 life!
  • Cate Blanchett wins for Blue Jasmine and gave a long speech. I didn’t really love the movie, but I loved how she said that movies with female leads were not “niche” and that people actually pay to see them. Hell yeah, gurl!
  • Alright, alright, alright! Matthew McConaughey wins for Dallas Buyers Club. Good to know that he knows when to use his catchphrases correctly. Did he thank himself?


  • 12 years a slave wins! Man, this ended up exactly like the Golden Globes.




  • Jennifer Lawrence falls again. Gurl, we’re friends and all, but you’ve got to stop wearing heels so high or dresses so tight. Something has got to give!
  • Pharrell decides to wear burmuda shorts. I know you’re a musician and all, but even Jared Leto took down the man bun and put on a white waiter jacket. No burmudas at the Oscars!
  • Everyone’s face is still ultra tight, tan or melting again this year. Both men and women! Stop it with the fillers everyone! It’s getting really, really House of Wax freaky up in Hollywood.
  • Jim Carrey: Still annoying after all these years. Any snarky Shia LaBeouf goodwill you earned at the Oscars just expired.
  • Sally Field got all dressed up to only introduce a montage. What a waste!


  • What is with all these kooky women at award shows? They’ve been coming out full force in the past couple of years. Jacqueline Bissett at the Globes. Jodie Foster last year. Now Kim Novac here at the Oscars. I’m not sure what was going on during the ‘patter’ or whatever that was, but eventually Matthew McConaughey gave up and just started reading it himself. Don’t ask me why he was rubbing Kim Novac’s back.
  • Seriously now, can someone tell me about whatever movie Brad Pitt is going to be in that demands he sport this weird Macklemore-esque haircut. It is hideous.
  • Why isn’t Liza singing this Judy tribute? Pink is sounding great and all, but you’ve got Liza sitting in the audience, like right there!
  • U2 sings Ordinary Love. Bono still wearing those damn sunglasses on stage. I can’t even with him. Ass.
  • Okay, we’ve got to stop and talk about the John Travolta thing. When he first came out, it was all about the hair. He needs to embrace his baldness and just take the toupee off. It’s really just silly now. I mean, he can’t even get a decent wig for the Oscars? it’s embaressing. And then he mispronounces Idina Menzel’s name. I had to rewind the DVR to hear what he actually called her since it sounded NOTHING like Idina’s name. He basically said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Adele Dazim.” WHAT THE FUCK, TRAVOLTA?! Did no one tell you the name of the person you were introducing? WOW. Ellen totally had to save the show and correctly thank Idina for performing. Shit is so crazy, it’s now a meme.
  • Is Will smith wearing an ascot?
  • Leo loses again. Maybe next year, buddy.



Share via email
Tags: ,

Comments are closed.