Highs and Lows of The 2013 Oscars

  • By Kim
  • 25 February, 2013
  • Comments Off

The original plan was to live tweet the Oscars. Then, I got completely distracted by cooking. I finally went grocery shopping after 2 weeks, and brought home SO MUCH GLORIOUS FOOD. I decided to make Swedish meatballs and mascarpone mashed potatoes. You get it, right? So instead of live-tweeting or even taking notes, I rolled meatballs, cooked them in a little butter, made a little pan gravy and ate them with mashed potatoes as Seth MacFarlane cracked boob jokes.

Still, I did watch the whole telecast. Was it me? It seemed like kind of a snooze. I mean, I know it’s long and tedious every year, but this year seemed particularly drawn out. It’s probably because the awards went to the predicted winners and there wasn’t any suspense. No huge upsets, no craziness. I think it says something when the time-suck song performances are the best parts of the night. Next year, it’s going to be all about well-placed montages.

Highlights:

  • Jennifer Lawrence is awesome on the red carpet. Tells Emma Stone, “Your ass is mine.”
  • Charlize Theron can DANCE, bitches! Goddamn her and her awesome, goddess-like perfection!
  • All the random technical awards and documentary award winners have Harry Potter-type hair. I think I just saw?Xenophilius Lovegood just accept an award.
  • Quvenzhan? Wallis is adorable with her puppy purse and flexing her guns.
  • Shirley Bassey is in the house? SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN. She is looking gorgeous! How is she in her 70s and sounding this good still? GOLD-FINGAHHHH.
  • Jennifer Hudson shutting the room up singing, “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going from Dreamgirls. She sounds terrific.

    Fanks, Queen Latifah!

  • Adele being awesome in every way. After singing an awesome rendition of Skyfall, she then accepts the awards for best song while being completly charming. She should win all awards. Best blowsy hair Academy Award.
  • Barbra Streisand sings “The Way We Were” to a screen showing Marvin Hamlisch. Of course she sounds flawless. She’s Babs. I just wish she she hadn’t gone to Jen Aniston’s hair stylist.
  • Queen Latifah saving the day and announcing the winner for Best Original Score since Renee Zellweger is either stupid drunk or in need of LASIK.
  • Surprise! Jennifer Lawrence wins Best Actress! Whoa. And she falls UP stairs, but is still completely loveable. Aww. Lub you, gurl! (We’re besties now)
  • Was that Hugh Jackman who ran to help her? I LOVE HIM EVEN MORE <3 He’s a gentleman.
  • Daniel Day Lewis pulls off the best joke of the night. Who would have thought! He gets all awards, along with Adele

    Killing it with that dress

  • What?! Michelle Obama shows up to class the joint up. She should have dared Seth MacFarlane to crack a slave joke.
  • Ang Li wins for Best Director. He should have said, “Fuck you for picking Crash over Brokeback Mountain,” then drop the mic and walk off stage like a boss.
  • Argo wins for Best Picture and Ben Affleck loses his shit, almost doing an ugly cry.

Lowlights:

  • Why is Kristen Chenoweth doing all this weird red carpet hosting and commercials? You can SANG, girl. You should be doing that all the time. You do not need to be hanging out with Seacrest and Giuliana. This seems like a step back in your career.
  • Lots of low hanging, strapless dresses. Hike it up, girls. Your poor boobs need the support!
  • Seth MacFarlane’s opening. He got a little better as the night went on with some one-liners, but this was pretty painful. Props to all these stars for trying to carry the opening. They’re like those dolphins that are trying to form a raft for their sinking friend, but ultimately having to let that dolphin die alone. MacFarlane is not a stand-up comedian. There’s a reason why Family Guy works in cartoon form, but not in real life.
  • Getting played off by Jaws. That’s just rude and distracting. And getting physically escorted off now by those film students? What.The.Fuck?
  • Jennifer Aniston never looks different. Boring. Get a curling iron in your life, woman.
  • Actually, everyone’s face is looking weird. Ladies of Hollywood, stop! Fillers, plumped lips, chemical peels and ‘rejuvenations’ only help to a point. Sandy Bullock, do not go down this road. You are walking a dangerous line. It’s too late for you Nicole Kidman and Catherine Zeta Jones. I mourn your old faces

Travolta's Formal Wig

  • Why are we paying tribute to the 10th anniversary of Chicago? Because Les Miz is up for an award and they are both musicals?! Catherine Zeta Jones looked awesome lip-synching All That Jazz, but it was cruel of her to steal John Travolta’s wig for her performance.
  • Ted presenting with Mark Wahlberg. I can’t sit through this. So painful.
  • A tie?! For Best Sound Editing? Really? If this is the way the Academy Award producers are bringing the drama, this is pretty weak.
  • Salma Hayek’s boobs are not out tonight. Why am I even watching? An evening wasted.
  • Renee Zellweger’s face. She’s become a human scrunchie. Remember when she had eyes? God, I miss her as sexy Gina from Empire Records. She was on something right? She just seemed really weird and fidgety.
  • Oh god. First, Ted and now Kristen Stewart. And, she’s hobbling. Why? I heard that she had a foot injury, but I hardly believe that anyone would tell her to ditch the crutch to look better for TV. If she’s trying to carry on like no one would notice, she failed. Blech. Dan Radcliff is so annoyed, he doesn’t want to help her. Yes, I made that last part up, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t want to co-present with a mumbler.
  • We are not even going to talk about how awful her hair looks.

"We Saw Your Boobs" - Seth MacFarlane

  • Anne Hathaway’s dress is distracting me. Yes, it looks like nipples. Yes, I know those are just darts in the dress, but that seems really ill-fitting for a dress that will be heavily photographed. It’s poor dressmaking, or maybe Anne forgot the chicken cutlets in the hotel room. Either way, it’s a weird misstep for someone who usually is flawless at award ceremonies.
  • Don’t worry. Quentin Tarentino is still a tool, who doesn’t know how to tie a tie. Peace out.

Here’s the full list of winners on E!

 

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