- By Kim
- 13 January, 2014
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“We are hosting the Golden Globes for our second time—thank you—because this is Hollywood, and if something kinda works, they’ll just keep doing it till everybody hates it.” – Tina Fey
It’s time for my favorite award show again! Hollywood’s booziest night lived up to it’s reputation yet again. And yet, I found the telecast rather dull. Did you? Too many drunken, slow speech ramblings and not enough amusing bon mots or controversial moments. Yeesh. The Oscars is going to be painful this year. So just like last year, here are my picks for the best and worst moments:
Amy and Tina kill it again in their opening – These two can do no wrong in my eyes. Basically, they made the entire show watchable for me. They made so many good one-liners, but a particularly good burn on George Clooney. Ahh, love them.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus eCigg and selfie gag – Possibly the funniest bit of the night, JL-D and Reese “You’re about to find out who I am” Witherspoon play up being movie stars.
Jessica Lange looks bored during Elizabeth Moss’ acceptance speech - The cameras managed to catch fellow nominee in category, Jessica Lange looking ultimately bored, or just plain like she wasn’t having any of it. I mean, she is goddamn Jessica Lange, supreme witch! She doesn’t need some shitty award anyway!
Breaking Bad scoops the TV awards up – If Bryan Cranston hadn’t won, I might have burned down LA. Also, “Yeah, Bitch! Thank you!” = Perfect.
Robert Downey Jr. can do anything at this point – It’s always good to have RDJ at these kind of shows since he’s one of the few that does not give a shit and says whatever. He’s always good for some comedy, so I’m pleased whenever he shows up.
Ben Affleck is hella dronk – Sorry Ben Affleck. America has decided that Matt Damon is the nicer, cooler brother. #NoDisrespectToBenAffleck
Emma Thompson shows Jacqueline Bisset how to properly drunkenly address a crowd – Emma Thompson is another one who just does not give a shit. I don’t know if she ever has. Maybe it’s becuase she’s British and just thinks all this pomp is ridiculous. Anyway, this is how you make drunk speeches:
Alfonso Cuarón wins Best Director and makes fun of his own accent: “Sandra, I’m going to give you herpes.” Oh, Alfonso Cuarón. You are a treasure.
Tina Fey makes a joke at Leo DiCaprio’s expense and it really is the best thing of the night - “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” I LAFFED AND LAFFED. Omg, you guys. And then Leo does that whole, “HA, I’m smiling at your cheekiness, but I HATE YOU” thing that celebs do when they are embarrassed, but can’t act like they care. But they DO care.
And here are the worst moments that made me a.) shake my head, b.) roll my eyes, c.) mute the TV and some cases d.) all of the above:
Jacqueline Bisset apparently has never been to an award show – You guys, the show has claimed it’s first drunk hot mess, and I was not expecting it to be Ms. Bisset. It took her ages to get to the podium, and dude, it wasn’t because she’s 69. It’s nice that she was so touched, but almost to the point of absurdity. Lady, it’s not a Nobel prize or even a Lifetime Achievement award. It’s supporting actress for a miniseries. No need for the histrionics. She basically started her speech as the music started to play her off the stage. And, what a speech it was! I’m secretly pleased that ‘shit’ got by the NBC censors, but it was so cringe-y that I had to mute it after about a minute in.
The seating chart and path to the stage is insane – “You know what would be awesome television ? If the winners had to awkwardly make their ways to the stage while millions of people watch.” — Some GG producer. Seriously, did they seat the TV people in the back and movie stars up front? That is fucked up and so on point with what Tina and Amy were giving Julia Louis-Dreyfus shit for earlier.
Paula Patton wore a decorative folded napkin – Or a dust ruffle. Or a dress made out of wrapping paper. I don’t know. Jesus.
Julia Roberts just don’t care no more – Julia did that thing Sharon Stone did years ago when she threw on a white collared shirt and was all, “Yeah, this looks good.” Except, Julia wore the shirt under her floor length gown. Look. I don’t know what her life is like. Maybe her bolero shrug shrank in the dryer, or maybe she’s getting shoulder implants. Basically, I’m going to assume she wore some cheap necklace and got a horrible rash like I did in 7th grade.
Bono in his stupid tinted glasses and The Edge with his hat - I can’t anymore. It is 2014. Jesus, take the wheel.
Andy Samberg won a Golden Globe – Great. Now we’ll always have to hear GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER ANDY SAMBERG. Ugh. Also, since Brooklyn Nine-Nine won Best Comedy, apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press loves this show. Who knew.
Amy Poehler degrades herself by making out with Bono this year - Blech. Oh god. From George Clooney to Bono … oh, honey no.
Diane Keaton sings on Woody Allen’s behalf during his tribute … – … and we all groan and take another drink. Mia Farrow is stone cold on Twitter. I love it:
Time to grab some icecream & switch over to #GIRLS
— mia farrow (@MiaFarrow) January 13, 2014
Johnny Depp crawls out of his cave, blinks at the light, mutters something and slinks back into the darkness – Remember when Johnny Depp wasn’t blond and really hot? *sigh* Memories.