- By Kim
- 23 September, 2013
- Comments Off
Did you watch the Emmy Awards last night? No? Don’t worry, I can sum it up for you: It was weird, yet boring. The End.
Seriously, you didn’t miss much. I hate the Emmys. God, I HATE the Emmys, you guys*. Like if I hated it anymore, it would be the VMAs, which I refuse to acknowledge. As someone who generally likes and watches a lot of award shows, I get astoundingly little pleasure from watching an award show that supposedly rewards the best on television. I think it’s because the Emmy’s are just REALLY REALLY boring when it shouldn’t be. They’ve got access to all this talent, and yet the show is just really tedious. (Remember 2008′s 5 reality show hosts? Or 2009′s Dancing with the Stars interpretive dance?) And often, the awards themselves just do not make sense. It was only LAST YEAR that Jon Cryer won best lead actor in a comedy series. I’m not sure in what world that even makes sense, but go for it, Emmys. You do you, I guess. I watched Breaking Bad and and watched the telecast later with fast-forward on the ready. Even then, it was three hours of … something.
All I know is that if Behind the Candelabra** doesn’t win anything, I will have to burn this place down.
- Neil Patrick Harris hosting is always a pro and a class act, even while delivering an awkward Paula Deen joke. But even he couldn’t save this snoozefest.
- Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed again with their timely twerking reference. Looking FINE as hells. Yow, Tina!
- Kevin Spacey steals the entire opening bit by raising one eyebrow and doing his Kevin Spacey thing. Give him the Emmy!
- Merrit Weaver being surprised and basically fleeing the stage for Best Supporting Comedy Actress. Aww, newbie.
- Sofia Vergara’s ‘talents’ are out. Yisss. She is the Salma Hayek of TV. God bless her.
- Bob Newhart is still very funny. The fact that Jim Parsons has more Emmys than him is what is wrong with the Emmys.
- Can we all just acknowledge that Blair Underwood is a freakishly good-looking android?
- Anna Gunn wins for Skylar White! Suck it Internet Skylar haters!
- NPH finally trots out the musical number we were all waiting for. It’s aptly called, “The Number in the Middle of the Show.” It’s okay, sort of saved by an appearance by Nathan Fillion and Sarah Silverman.
- Colbert Report wins over The Daily Show! Shouldn’t gone on Summer vacation, Stewart.
- The Amazing race didn’t win an Emmy! Whoa, what is going on with these Emmys? I’m scared.
- Choreography number pretty cool, despite it being filler.
- Annoyed Kevin Spacey bitchslapping an intrusive camera.
- Stephen Soderburgh wins for Behind the Candleabra. Thanks gods, I won’t have to torch anything.
- Michael Douglas wins as Liberace! YAY. +1 for the (intentional?) dirty joke. I could make a joke about two-handing and throat cancer, but I’m a lady.
- Will Ferrell’s “just got asked to present an Emmy 45 minutes ago” bit was probably the first thing I legitamately thought was funny and enjoyed. Who would have thought?
- Breaking Bad won the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series! Yeah, bitch! Ain’t no party like a Pinkman drug house party! Where’s the pizza?
- I don’t think I like the individual In Memorium. It’s always sort of like a weird popularity contest with the clapping and all, but now it’s pretty much undeniable who’s in the cool kids club. And seriously, Cory Monteith gets a tribute for dying of heroin overdose versus the careers of Annette Funicello, Jack Klugman, and Larry Hagman?? For being on 3 seasons of Glee? You’re embarrassing yourself, Emmys. Go home, you’re drunk.
- The fuck is going on with Melissa Leo’s outfit? She looks like an eccentric French circus ringmaster?
- Alex Baldwin’s shiny suit looks like a teflon pan.
- Will Arnett is the new George Hamilton. Is this the real reason for the Arnett/Poehler split?
- Jim Parsons winning over both Louis CK and Don Cheadle. Seriously?! I mean even over Alec Baldwin? Sheldon is the funniest of them all? These are like CBS shenanigans, right? Like because CBS is airing the show, the show is contractually obligated to give an award to a CBS star?
- The band is ruthlessly playing off people. I mean a bunch of winners haven’t shown up and others gave short speeches and people are still getting played off? They must want to watch Breaking Bad.
- Sir Elton John is playing a new slow song that is a tribute to Liberace. What?! Snack break!
- Oh yes, it’s the unfunny How I Met Your Mother Excessive Hosting comedic filler sketch nobody wanted. Thanks!
- Connie Britton is definitely wearing some rich old sofa from Hearst Castle. I’m sure of it.
- Writing for drama series went to Homeland. Over Game of Thrones’ “Rains of Castamere” aka The Red Wedding AND Breaking Bads’ “Say My Name”. I don’t even know what to say to that. Sigh.
- Aaron Paul didn’t get the Emmy, and instead it went to that cop from Will and Grace. (Okay, normally I wouldn’t mind Bobby Cannavale winning, but I just wanted to see Aaron Paul get up on stage.)
- All these actresses need to hike up their damn strapless gowns.
- Normally I would enjoy that Jeff Daniels won. I don’t tonight. It makes me wonder if Breaking Bad will win a shit ton next year. All of the episodes in the second half of season 5 are owning the rest of TV right now.
- In other news, Jon Hamm is NEVER going to win that Emmy. If Cranston didn’t get one this year, then Jon Hamm has pretty much been pushed out to pasture despite having created one of the most iconic characters on TV right now. Cool. Actually, the whole cast has been snubbed. It’s like the Emmy voters are jealous of how pretty the cast is and won’t invite them into the club.
- Carrie Underwood sings Beatles songs for no damn reason. I’m sure Don Cheadle is on the side shaking his head sadly.
- Claire Danes wins over Kerry Washington. It’s a Scandal, right?! HAHAHA! It feels good to laugh! Is Claire Danes incapable of making a gracious award speech? She gets enough practice, but it always seems cringey.
- Since when does Choreography gets an Emmy? The dance wasn’t bad, but seeing either of the Dancing Houghs usually triggers my urge to punch Modern Family wins. And I LIKE
- Modern Family, but I don’t think it’s more deserving than Louie or 30 Rock. Louis CK, please make this experience into an episode of Louie. No need to credit me.
See the full winners list here on CNN.
* So why do I watch the Emmys if I hate it? I watch because of FOMO. What if, on the small chance, I miss something awesome that everyone will be talking about the next day? I know, it’s a sickness. I must watch all the award shows.
** I’m already not expecting my other favorites like Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Walking Dead, Sherlock, Orange is the New Black or Louie to win. The Emmy voters apparently don’t watch awesome things.