YesTotally Watches Breaking Dawn Part 1

  • By Kim
  • 12 November, 2012
  • Comments Off

Breaking Dawn: Part 2 opens this Friday, November 16th. Love it or hate it, the Twilight series has made a significant contribution to our popular culture. Millions of people around the world have become engrossed in the love triangle between a girl, her werewolf and her vampire, making the series a household term. The opening of Breaking Dawn: Part 2 movie marks the end of an 8-year saga.

YesTotally wanted to commemorate the event by watching Breaking Dawn: Part 1. After being properly satiated with Greek food and lots of beer, we settled in to watch. Some of us are more knowledgeable about the series than others, so we ranked ourselves as follows:

On a scale of 1-5 Robstens, how familiar are you with the series?

?? Asma: 5 Robstens. I’ve read the books and seen the movies.

? Jessie: 5 Robstens. I’ve read the books and seen the movies.

? Kim: 2 Robstens. I saw the first movie and tried to read the first book, but failed. But I know basic plots and main characters.

? Val: 1/2 Robsten. I have not seen the movies or read the books, but know some basic plots and main characters.

Team Edward wins the Superbowl.

8:59 PM

(J): This movie is called Breaking Dawn. I think that’s about a hymen. Just like that Natalie Imbruglia song ‘Torn’. Hymen!

(J): First five seconds. Jacob’s shirt is off.

(A): Oh look. My stalker is here.

(J): Come here, orange eyes.

(J): Edward’s a virgin? Still? 100 year old virgin!

(K): LIES.

(K): Oh god. When they get married, it’s gonna be like that TLC special where the virgins get married and they kiss like baby birds getting food from their mother.

9:06 PM

(J): Why is her hair so greasy? Is she not supposed to get her hair done before the wedding?

(J): (to Val) She wants to have sex as a human before she’s turns into a vampire.

(A): You don’t want to end up like that girl in True Blood. Awful.

(K): Vampire bachelor party!

(A): Let’s roughhouse guys!

(J): When Jasper doesn’t look like he has a stick up his ass, he’s hot.

9:15 PM

(K): Is this a flashback? How is everyone in white?

(J): Everyone’s a virgin!

(A): No hugging your mother on your wedding day!

(A): I do like her eye makeup. Just saying.

(J): It’s nice that her hair isn’t greasy. But her hair looks stupid, all piecy and in her face. Like I want to brush away hair strands on my wedding day. It’s stupid as shit.

(A): Who’s idea was it for her to walk down the aisle dragging her dress all over the ground? She already couldn’t walk in heels. And now she’s a moss-walking non-sliding high heel wearer.

(A): It’s always good when it looks like the bride wants to vomit.

(J): She wants to be Pippa here.

(K): Nah, She’s just doing that famous Kristen Stewart look here. That’s what pays the bills

(J): Yeah, where it looks like she wants to say something, but doesn’t.

(A): The look where she wants to pass gas.

9:17 PM

(K): Aww. Married now.

(K): They are kissing like no one’s there. You know, dance like no one’s watching and shit.

(Emmett toasts couple)


(J): This toasting montage is the best part of the movie. It’s the only comedy.

(K): It’s boning time!

(A): Not yet!

(K): They’re going to do it Dothraki style out in the open! See! That’s where they’re walking to.

(J): She’s got to eat a horse’s heart first. Spoiler alert.

9:28 PM

(K): Rude! Jacob is kind of a dick right now.

(A): Holy shit. She IS that stupid. You’ll kill her!

(J): Your big sparkly vampire member will kill Bella!

(J): If they do it, it’s going to rip her in half like Superman and Lois Lane. Hey, I didn’t come up with that. It’s from Mallrats.

(V): Ew! What!?

(A): So Superman and Lois never did it?

(J): It was a whole thing in Mallrats. The characters postulate on if Superman could actually have sex and a baby with Lois. Superwad and all. It would shoot out her back like a shotgun or the baby would come kicking out and only Wonder Woman would have a strong enough uterus.

9:30 PM

(A): God. Bella has the worst mom ever. Let your 18 year old daughter just go off and get married.

(J): I would love a personal assistant Alice. She would always know what to pack.

(J): Billy Burke does a pretty good dad. Isn’t he on Revolution now?

(V): He just looks so pissed off. I can’t blame him. Like, he doesn’t know where his daughter’s honeymoon is and he’s pissed off.

(A): It’s a kidnapping.

(J): A sanctioned by law kidnapping.

(A): Aww. Jacob is doing an emo wolf howl.

(K): He knows she’s going to die from vampire sex.

9:32 PM

(K): Edward knows Portuguese?

(A): He knows everything. He’s been to every high school ever for 100 years.

(J): Look, he’s so horny. He’s all, ‘everyone is kissing. We must kiss too.’

(A): If it was me, I’d be like I’m tired. I’m hungry. I want to go to bed. I’m wearing fucking heels. I was not prepared for this boat ride shit.

(A): Ha. The bed. Where she dies from dick.

(J): He’s all, ‘I’m finally getting some. After 100 years.’

(V): So why has he not had sex?

(A): Because he’s a gentleman. That’s the official answer.

9:38 PM

(K): Let’s do this bed breaking shit!

(J): I bet he has a really white ass. Like his face.

(K): Aww. She doesn’t want to do it. She’s skerred.

(J): It’s totally Stephenie Meyers saying that no girls want to lose their virginity. But since we are married, it’s okay. But we still don’t really want to do it or even like it.

(J): How are they not having sex in the water right now?

(A): You don’t want to have sex in foreign water. UTIs.

(AKJV): Ewww!

(K): It’s happening.

(A): No. Ughhhh. Faces.

(V): This song is hilarious. Like, the lyrics!

(Joel*): They’re breaking dawn.

(J): God. That was such a let down.

9:44 PM

(J): He’s not going to have more sex with her and she’s devastated.

(K): That outfit is totally from hot topic. Her seducing slut outfit is from Hot Topic.

(KJ): EW!

(J): They didn’t actually have to show her throwing up! They didn’t show much of the sex. Why should they show barfing?

(K): God. This is the worst acting ever. She’s all, ‘Oh my god. I’m laaaaaate!’

(A): It’s Keanu Reeves acting. His ‘whoa.’

(K): She’s having that passing gas look again.

9:59 PM

(V): So vampire babies grow faster?

(V): This woman seems like a sage wise woman who can help her. She’s like, ‘you’re screwed.’

(A): Time to get an abortion.

(J): Vampire baby abortion.

(A): Does vampire sperm care about latex? Or do they just bite through?

10:06 PM

(K): Yeah! Fight!

(J): Fight!

(K): Now make out!

(J): Fight! With your dicks!

(K): Why does Jacob keep on looking down?

(J): Looking at his sparkly package.

(J): Jacob’s all, ‘I’m going to kill you by ripping your sparkly package off.’

(K): I’ll never get it. I know it’s like that stupid Stephenie Meyers fantasy shit, but how the hell is anyone in love with Bella? Like, REALLY?

(J): That’s a valid question.

(V): She seems quite wretched.

(J): It’s all about hymen.

10:11 PM

(J): I think Jacob is going to follow the Mario Lopez career track. He should be on Dancing with the Stars. Then he should host Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

(A): His clothes just exploded off!

(K): Oh god. Look at these shitty, shitty CG wolves!

(K): Hey. That black wolf looks like that thing from Neverending story. The Nothing, or whatever.

(J): The Gmork! Yeah, he should be off trying to kill Atreyu. We should be watching Neverending Story.

(A): He’s breaking away!

(J): Lone wolf!

(V): Wait, what are they doing?

(A): They’re planning. It’s a preemptive strike on the vampires and the baby.

(J): Shock and awe.

(A): Yeah, shock and awe on the Cullens.

(J): That’s what Jacob calls his balls.

?10:18 PM

(J): Esme’s face is filling out. Is it? Does it look rounder to you?

(K): You’re asking someone who only has 2 Robstens.

(A): Because of these stupid books, people keep calling me Esme. They pronounce it wrong.

(J): It’s the stupidest name ever.

(A): Hey! It’s close to my name. Take it down a notch!

?10:24 PM

(V): If you don’t imprint, it sounds terrible. Like you can never be happy again.

(J): It’s such a contrived thing they forced into the storyline. They don’t mention it early on and then boom.

(A): Look! Vampires Google image search!

(J): Ew. They spent all the money on CG for Bella’s legs and not the wolves. Hey, if Carlisle is her gyno now, think he’s seen her snackbox?

(V): Um. I think it?s a given.

(A): Don’t let the leggings fool you.

?10:27 PM

(V): They’re saying that she has a choice about the baby. Wouldn’t Stephenie Meyers be anti-choice?

(A): Yeah, but they always mention choice in a negative way.

(J): Like, it’s always a choice she has, but if you do abort, it is terrible and you are awful for killing this vampire baby that is killing you first.

(J): Ew! They are going to show her being sick again.

(A): There are 20 people watching her throw up.

(V): I’m kind of annoyed she’s putting herself in this position.

10:31 PM

(V): Oh, she’s drinking blood. That’s delightful.

(J): Her teeth are bloody. It’s so ridiculous.

(A): Milkshake!

(J): Bloodshake!

(A): She’s like Daenarys.

(J): No way! Nothing like Daenarys. Though, you know Khal Drogo could break a bed.

(K): That’s why Drogo didn’t have a bed. He kept breaking them. He was all, ‘I can only be out sexing in the middle of the rocks and dirt!’

(J): Edward, dumbass, don’t squeeze too hard! It’s not like a titty or anything.

(A): I feel bad for Esme and Alice. It’s like every scene ‘what are we doing?’ Oh. We’re watching Bella.

?10:37 PM

(K): Jacob has a very strong jawline.

(J): That cleft is a bit precious

(K): It’s a cleft Michael Jackson only dreamed of.

(VJ): Awwww.

(A): Too soon.

(K ): Bella shouldn’t stand. Her CG legs are like toothpicks.

(J): Renesmee is the worst name ever.

(K): Look. Everyone hates it. They don’t know how to tell her how much she sucks at names.

10:41 PM

(A): Auugh! Why isn’t anyone else helping her? She broke her back, right?

(J): Whoa. They’re all going to see her snackbox now.

(A): He’s biting her baby out of her uterus!

(A): Augghh! Why!

(K): If someone bit out the bottom of my lower abdomen, I would not be awake.

(J): You would have been passed out.

(J): He injected her with sparkly vampire juice. Venom!

(V): I’d be okay with her dying. This seemed all quite avoidable.

?10:47 PM

(V): Isn’t he going to make her a vampire?

(A): That’s the idea

(K): Why is he biting her all over?

(A): He’s trying to get the vampire venom everywhere in her body.

(K): That’s all it takes to turn her into a vampire? Venom? No bloodswapping?

(J): No.

(K): That’s weak!!

(A): That’s what took you over the top? They sparkle!

(K): I know? but it’s terrible. Bloodswapping is key in vampire lore. Like, how am I supposed to believe this at all?

(V): WHAT? Is he imprinting on a baby! That’s creepy.


(J): He’s blowing his wad over a baby.

(A): It’s disgusting.

10:51 PM

(K): Fight again! Where’s Booboo? Don’t hurt his face.

(A): Wolf punches!

(V): OH BROTHER. Oh my god. This is fine writing.


(A): It’s the lesser known vodka.

(J): Edward’s all, ‘Thanks for imprinting on my daughter dude.’

(V): Now they’re bonded forever.

(K): Bros for life.

?10:54 PM

(A): Would Edward still love her if she was that skinny and pale forever?

(J): Good question. And her hymen is gone.

(A): Oh good. She’s fattening up and healing. And getting highlights.

(K): She’s got some fake lashes too

(J): She’s Snow White!

(K): Wow, we get to watch all the movies again!

(A): Its like a fan video on Youtube.

(A): Oh. It’s her life flashing before her eyes.

(K): She’s dead now. Whew that’s some good eyeshadow, though.

(V): Was that it? Was that the end?

(J): What are these credits? It’s like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion up in here. It doesn’t fit.

(V): This should have been the end to Empire Records or something.

(V): Well, that was interesting.

Thanks for reading along!

*Special guest also watching.

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